The road back
I ordered 20.3 oz of lotion from Target today. For the first time in months I didn’t consider whether or not it would outlast me. It felt nice.
Sizing up grief
Grief is new and old territory to me. On one hand- I have learned to understand grief in the context of small losses and larger trauma. I’ve learned to give permission and space as I’ve lost friends, business, lifestyles, dreams. I’ve mourned the loss of innocence, and past abuse. I can do the small things. I can move thru these traumas. But it didn’t prepare me to lose a mom. It didn’t prepare me for the 11 months between diagnosis and goodbye. I find myself on the other side of what was. Propelled not by choice into this new reality but the necessity and insistence of death, I mis her arms- warm and safe. I miss her smell and the way my heart relaxed as leaned in to her solidness. Grief isn’t linear. I experience time in snapshots of memory that pull and tug at me in conversations, flashing back to conversations familiar and comforting. Some part of me forgets she’s gone and I plan to tell her about the latest recipe I tried or how I am planning a trip with Kae...
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